Chapter 4

Had Al Terua’s eyes always been this cold? Quilbion thought as he stared directly into the Ascetic’s eyes.

A lie once started could not be taken back.

Not only had he broken the rules, he’d deceived an Ascetic—heavy punishment would surely follow.

But what if he wasn’t caught?

“Special points?”

“Yes.”

The gaze was cold enough to make his throat shrink, but Quil didn’t look away. The moment he turned his eyes, his instincts told him something far worse than eating the black food would be waiting.

He looked back and smiled.

Just like always.

It was when he’d counted to four in his mind.

Al Terua’s eyes softened. The expression remained unchanged, but the cold wind pouring out disappeared.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Did I do something wrong? Should I have kept leaving her alone?”

“No. Please look after her. Being together—that’s exactly the right attitude.”

The Ascetic’s hand touched his shoulder.

“Try to guide Twella to the right path. There are things only those who study together can empathize with.”

“Yes!”

He answered energetically and turned around. His lips, which had been smiling, trembled.

“You…”

The moment he sat down, the girl—Twella—spoke to him. Quil squeezed out his voice.

“Don’t talk to me right now. I’m shaking so much I might make a mistake.”

“Oh, okay.”

He’d done it.

He’d deceived an Ascetic and helped a student who should be punished, breaking the rules.

This wasn’t a problem that could be solved by losing a few points. The moment he was discovered, he’d lose everything.

Quil had seen countless children ‘fail.’ Kids consumed by ‘impure thoughts’ would drift around and then disappear one day.

Without a trace, cleanly.

He’d never once thought it strange. He’d believed it was natural for them to fail if they had no will to study, no strength to advance.

But why had that been natural?

Where had those disappeared children actually gone?

Questions came flooding in.

All sorts of problems he’d seen but never recognized kept hammering at his head.

It was while he was floundering in the chaos.

Quil flinched and looked at his finger. Twella was carefully holding his index finger.

All the words piled up inside vanished in that moment. The warmth transmitted through the scrawny finger calmed the confusion.

Quil stared at their hands blankly, then quietly pulled his finger away and asked.

“What about the other kids?”

“What about them?”

“Are they looking this way?”

“No. Like always, they’re talking amongst themselves. Laughing in a way that makes me feel sick.”

Just two days ago, I would have been mixed in with them. Quil looked at the black food.

“How are you going to get rid of this?”

“Just a moment.”

Twella pulled out a cloth from under the tablecloth. She glanced around quickly, then tilted her bowl in one motion and poured the food onto the cloth.

“You’ve always done it like this?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’ve never been caught? When it’s this sloppy?”

“Because you guys have never once looked at me. The first time, I thought my heart would jump out. But I realized something. Even if I climbed on the table and danced, you wouldn’t see me.”

Quil nodded heavily.

This place was an island existing within the cafeteria.

Complete isolation where no one paid attention.

“Though if you actually danced, they’d probably notice?”

“I guess so.”

Twella pushed the empty bowl in front of Quil.

“Give me that.”

Quil pushed his bowl toward Twella. He’d been worried sick about getting caught, but when he glanced behind him, a hollow laugh escaped.

No one was looking this way.

Even his Friendship House friends who’d been training together just had their heads buried in their bowls, indulging in the black food.

The moment when what had been natural became unnatural.

Quil felt a strange emotion alongside despair.

Compared to the massive despair, it was so small—like a speck of dust—that it was hard to notice at first. But that emotion, though crushed, didn’t disappear, and it clearly announced its existence.

It was exhilaration.

*

“Why did you do that?”

That was the question Drich threw at him when he entered the room. The words had been cut short on both ends, but what he was asking was obvious.

“Special points.”

“Special points?”

“Studying together is important, right? So I thought maybe there’d be something if I guide a kid who might fail to the right path.”

“Now that you mention it, that makes sense. But wouldn’t it be better if she just disappeared?”

His friend’s casually tossed words gave him chills. Quil pretended to organize his bed with his back turned.

“I don’t care what happens. I just tried it.”

“So did you get the special points?”

“I don’t know yet. I hope I do.”

“If you do, should I try talking to her too?”

“Hey, play fair. I discovered this first.”

“So picky.”

Now Drich would never approach Twella. The phrase ‘play fair’ would hold Drich back.

“But you know.”

Quil spoke with his back still to Drich.

“Where do the kids who fail go?”

“Where do they go?”

“Exactly what I said—where do they go? I got curious.”

“I don’t know what you mean. Go where? They just disappear.”

Drich’s words sounded like he couldn’t understand.

As expected, Drich had no doubts about failing students disappearing. Not just Drich—all the students training here would think the same.

Quil stopped the conversation.

He judged it was a dangerous topic. Even if they were close friends, Drich was in a state where he found the black food delicious.

If he sensed something suspicious, he’d immediately run to an Ascetic. Ascetic, Ascetic. Quil is acting strange!

Just imagining it made his lower abdomen ache sharply.

“The Sun is going to bed.”

Drich pressed his face against the window. Quil just turned his head slightly to look.

Far in the distance, the ‘Sun’ with its long legs was disappearing beyond the hill.

The great one scattering brilliant light.

That appearance.

“…Disgusting.”

Quil found it unbearably repulsive.

“Hm? What did you say?”

Drich turned his body and asked.

“I said the Sun is always magnificent. I should transform magnificently like that too.”

Quilbion spread out his blanket and smiled.

*

Afternoon study had ended.

About two hours of free time were given before evening cleaning. Quilbion watched the students scatter in small groups of three to five, then moved his feet.

He walked along the stream that cut lengthwise between the low hills. Before long, the warehouses came into view.

Twella was leaning against the warehouse wall with an exhausted face.

“You’re here?”

Her voice had no strength.

If you don’t eat, you can’t move. It was common sense, and Twella was desperately struggling to overcome common sense.

“How many days have you been starving?”

“I don’t know. In between, I put that stuff in my mouth to survive. I washed it in water and forced myself to eat it, but I can’t do even that anymore.”

Twella’s state was the future that would soon befall him. Starving couldn’t be a solution.

What should he do?

Quilbion looked at the stream.

“You can drink water, right?”

“You can drink it, sure. But you can’t survive on water alone. I’m the proof of that.”

“The food that comes out in the cafeteria and water. We learned we could only eat those.”

“Because that’s what’s natural.”

Natural things.

Quil grabbed Twella’s shoulder. He couldn’t feel any flesh—only the hard texture of bone filled his hand.

“There’s no such thing as natural. We know that.”

“…I tried.”

Twella pointed at a pebble by her feet.

“I tried to eat stones. But they wouldn’t chew. I scooped up dirt and ate it, but my stomach just turned over. I tried chewing the sparse grass too, but strange things just sprouted on my body. The hunger didn’t go away.”

“You’ve tried everything around here?”

“I’ve tried everything smaller than my mouth.”

Was there really no way?

Then something caught Quil’s eye.

Inside the clear stream.

A creature the size of a finger joint was swimming.

“This.”

Twella came closer.

“That’s a bug. Was it called a ‘fish’?”

“Have you tried eating this?”

“You can’t eat bugs! If you eat them, you disappear.”

“Right, that’s what we learned. We thought it was natural. But will we really disappear? When we can somehow survive even eating that horrible food?”

“That’s…”

A bug living in water.

The bug called ‘fish’ wasn’t a commonly seen bug. You could only see it if you sat by the water for a long time.

Bugs were objects of disgust.

Stupid creatures beyond thinking.

Things deserving of contempt.

Quil thrust his hand out and caught the swimming fish. He stared intently at the fish twisting its body this way and that in his palm.

It was disgusting.

The slimy texture made his hair stand on end.

Twella groaned and stepped back.

“Wh-what are you going to do with that?”

“This is a situation where we have to doubt everything. But the fact that we can’t survive without eating is close to truth. Your body proved it directly.”

Quil looked at the emaciated Twella.

If she hadn’t eaten the black food here and there, Twella would have disappeared.

People—humans—must eat to exist.

This learning, at least, is not a lie.

Then.

He put the thrashing silver bug in his mouth. He chomped down on the fish writhing in his mouth with his molars.

Nausea rose up, but Quil didn’t spit it out and tried to taste it as much as possible.

He had to feel the real taste of the bug, not the fictitious taste created by his knowledge and learning.

His Adam’s apple moved greatly—gulp—the fish went down.

“…It’s kind of fishy but not fishy. It seems like it has no taste at all. It tastes a bit like dirt too.”

Quil slowly smiled.

“But it’s edible. This is edible food.”

He’d found it!

A way to escape starvation!

*

After two days of breaking out in cold sweats, vomiting, and groaning in pain, Quilbion was finally able to leave his bed.

“Are you okay?”

Twella, meeting him in the cafeteria, asked worriedly.

“…I’ll have to find something else. Other food.”

“You absolutely can’t eat bugs. Look, you got sick from eating that.”

Quilbion barely lifted the corners of his mouth.

“I didn’t fail. I didn’t disappear.”

“What?”

“My vision spun and fever rose like I was boiling, but I didn’t disappear. The saying that you disappear if you eat bugs is a lie.”

When he laughed like he’d lost his mind, Twella frowned.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, absolutely fine.”

He pushed the black food he’d been served toward Twella.

“I’ll keep looking for things that are okay to eat. There must be more.”

After the meal ended, he went outside.

Having been laid up for two days with an upset stomach, his body had no strength. Still, his mind was at ease.

Because he’d seen a clue.

If he solved the problems before him one by one, he’d reach the end.

In that moment, Quil realized.

The identity of the exhilaration he’d felt in the cafeteria.

“Truth, not facts.”

The words slipped past his lips without him realizing it. The desire for knowledge. He’d finally understood the true meaning of those words he’d heard countless times.

He looked around again.

The students laughing and going to prepare for the next study session, and the Sun scattering light.

The sparsely placed buildings and the Ascetics watching over the students everywhere.

It was certain.

The true form of the world couldn’t be like this.

The taste of the bug he’d chomped down on—the fish—was what touched upon truth.

He could see Al Terua in the distance.

Quil fixed his expression and smiled brightly.

Then who were those beings who taught lies?