Ilina Crowley (2)

“……”

Ilina Crowley opened her eyes. It had been a long time since she used to tear up from the nightmares she had every night.

Now that moment felt numb.

That’s why it was more painful. Because it wasn’t something she should have gotten used to.

“……Should I shower first.”

The sweat from her nightmares felt unpleasant. Ilina Crowley took a cold shower as she always did.

Because the mana still rotating around her heart was hot.

Though her body had become able to endure the heat, she still hadn’t.

She couldn’t bear it. Even a slight fever was terrifying enough to make her shudder.

“Hah……”

After cooling her body and head with cold water, Ilina Crowley pressed each dripping strand of hair with a towel to dry it.

Though using magic would have been quick, she repeated this long and tedious task every day.

-You can change a forest. By uprooting trees or placing rocks. You can make changes like that. But not sacred fire.

In the midst of the monotonous task of continuously drying her hair with the towel, she recalled what Castian Crowley had said last night.

Actually, she knew too. No one understood that fact more painfully than she did as the person directly involved.

Yes, this was just an escape.

She couldn’t change her own essence.

But what else could she do? That’s just how people are, clinging to even the smallest chances.

“Today……”

But it was rare for Castian Crowley to nag so directly like this. Usually he just watched Ilina’s actions with a sad face.

Was that why? Last night’s conversation weighed unusually heavily on her mind.

That’s why Ilina Crowley’s thoughts turned to something else.

“Should I go meet the priest.”

Why was it?

Why had she come to place expectations on Lost, who was just a chance encounter?

Was it because he was someone capable of receiving a family seal from Edge Forys?

Or was it because she felt sincerity in his eyes that seemed worn from fatigue?

Or was it because he instantly brought her the huge sum of 2,000 gold from the arena incident?

“Well, must be a whim.”

Ilina Crowley headed toward Lost’s inn with light steps.

It’s too heavy a topic to share with someone. Yet somehow, when she thought about sharing it with Lost

Her heart felt lighter than expected.

Perhaps because, as he said, it was just telling a story.

She had bought him a meal and protected the children.

She placed what Lost had said on those scales in her mind.

No, more than anything else.

‘Though he calls me princess, he doesn’t walk on eggshells more than necessary.’

It’s not that she had never met priests before.

Wasn’t it to treat her trauma? Castian Crowley had gathered priests from all over.

But that was the problem.

If they couldn’t resolve her concerns, they had to be mindful of Castian Crowley’s reactions.

That was burdensome. That’s why a situation without such burden felt comfortable.

Just a connection met in the flow of life. Because it was such a light relationship.

“Ahem! Um, do you have a moment to talk?”

“Yes, Princess Ilina. This way please. Since we haven’t finished eating yet, would you mind if we talk while eating? Ah, here, have some tea……”

“Oh, yes. I’ll drink it well. Um, since the story might be a bit heavy, I’ll wait until you finish eating.”

Ilina Crowley could comfortably share about her trauma with Lost.

Because he was someone she wouldn’t mind never meeting again after parting today.

Because she knew he wasn’t the type to spread rumors anywhere.

There couldn’t be a better person to talk to.

*     *      *

It was faster than expected. I thought more interactions would be needed before she opened up to me.

Though I did guide the situation to some extent, something must have definitely happened around her.

“So, I……”

First of all, Ilina Crowley had taken on the posture of a counselee.

Unlike how she had been speaking casually to me until now, this time she shared her concerns with a polite attitude.

As expected, her usual demeanor must have been a form of self-defense.

She must have been trying to hide her trauma by showing an extroverted and active appearance. The her I knew before the regression must have been her original self.

Well, that’s just my hopeful speculation, but still.

“What should I do?”

“I see……”

What an impossible dilemma.

The root of her trauma is magic itself. Then it’s simple.

She could just quit magic. Though it would conflict with my plans, that would be the most suitable advice for her.

But there’s a fundamental problem there. This is something anyone could understand even without me pointing it out.

She is a magician. That compulsion is wedged between her traumas.

“You wouldn’t want to give up, would you?”

“Pardon?”

“The path of a magician. You’ve been worrying about this for so long because you want to become a great magician as per your father’s last words, isn’t that right?”

“That’s right……”

Yes, the last words were the problem.

The final words of parents who burned their own bodies to save their daughter had become shackles.

Becoming a great magician was probably Ilina’s dream.

That’s why they must have said those words thinking they were being considerate.

Even though their death came from that magic, don’t give up on your dreams.

But dreams can change anytime. Blocking that path to just one way was clearly a mistake.

Though it’s certain that Ilina Crowley’s father was a good person, we can’t say he wasn’t foolish.

“Hmm……”

“Um, could I get some advice?”

“I’ll think about it for a moment.”

“What? Oh, yes……”

“Just listening to the situation and giving advice would only lead to empty words. Please give me some time.”

Now, what was my goal?

To awaken Ilina Crowley as a 7th circle grand mage and have her escort Lilia home.

But I don’t want to use Ilina Crowley for that.

Because she is my benefactor, the world’s benefactor.

Even saying I would help her overcome her trauma was to repay her, not to use her.

What can I do for someone like her? Tell her to keep pondering? To maintain that determination?

As I thought deeply about it like that, an unexpected conclusion came to mind.

“Hah……”

“……?”

“No, I thought deeply about it, but it feels rather deflating that I can only give empty words in the end.”

“……I see.”

“You can become a great grand mage even without overcoming your trauma. Isn’t being at 6th circle already enough?”

I once tried studying magic to expand the range of what I could do.

After studying so hard like that, I couldn’t even reach 2nd circle.

Because it’s a realm of inspiration beyond understanding and knowledge.

But 6th circle?

That’s a realm ordinary people can’t even dream of.

“Would that not be enough? I understand it’s a realm that some people spend their whole lives trying to reach.”

“That’s…… right.”

“Then let’s think again. Why don’t you want that?”

“Pardon?”

“You don’t like it, do you? Staying stagnant like this.”

At my words, Ilina Crowley’s expression became like she had been hit by a hammer.

Actually, this is natural. It might be something she herself doesn’t realize well.

Her dream, her father’s last words, were about becoming a great magician.

If she had been bound only to that dream, she should have gladly accepted stagnation.

But that wasn’t the case.

“Your true feelings must be wanting to reach even higher realms than now, Princess Ilina.”

Let’s say there’s a lord who wants to protect their territory. They diligently hone their swordsmanship for that.

Is there any reason they must aim to become the strongest swordsman in that process?

Swordsmanship is just a means.

There’s no need for that.

The same applies to Ilina Crowley. There’s no reason becoming a great magician means becoming the strongest magician.

She just wants to. Because she had the desire for improvement.

“Ah, well……”

“Princess Ilina. From what I can see, your current worries aren’t stemming from your trauma, but rather being obscured by it.”

“But it’s ultimately the same problem, isn’t it? If I truly desire to reach higher realms than this, I’ll have to resolve the issues I carry.”

“That’s right. But your thinking will be a bit freer than before.”

“……”

What’s truly important.

The current Ilina Crowley knows.

The difference between trying to overcome just trauma without knowing her own feelings and trying to overcome trauma while looking into her own feelings.

Of course there would be a difference.

“I’m ignorant about magic.”

“Ah, yes. It shows.”

Couldn’t you at least say empty words there….. No, don’t you know it’s best to just keep quiet?

This is why kids are troublesome.

“……Nevertheless, I know that magic is a means. Depending on how you use it, you can become either a great person or an evil person.”

“Those really are empty words.”

“I told you they would be.”

The atmosphere lightens a bit.

Because we’ve touched on her foundation.

Now let’s push a bit more. Touch the painful spot.

“Anyway, the same applies to Princess Ilina’s trauma. Regarding flames. Among your memories related to that, was there really only fear?”

“……There was.”

“Right? Then shouldn’t we try approaching from there?”

“That’s what everyone says.”

“Because it’s a solution clear enough for everyone to think of.”

I take out tobacco from my pocket and light it with Vesta’s spark.

I steady my mind while staring at the red light flickering at the edge of my vision.

Yes, it’s not frightening anymore.

“I also had trauma regarding fire. I tried methods like this to somehow overcome it.”

“……By smoking tobacco?”

“Because it’s addictive. I tried to get closer to flames bit by bit, even if I had to squeeze my eyes shut.”

“Such a method……”

“Ah, this method failed.”

“……?”

Then why did you mention it?

That’s what her expression seemed to ask.

Honestly speaking, it wasn’t even necessary to mention this content.

But I wanted to show that I too had made efforts in ways like this.

That though it might have been meaningless, everyone makes efforts.

“Then how did you overcome it if not through that method?”

“Actually, when I came to my senses, I was already in a state of having overcome it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Her expression distorts and her polite speech returns to casual.

I give a bitter smile at that blatant expectation and dissatisfaction.

“I have a guess. That I must have lost something due to fire. That’s what I think.”

“……Think?”

“Ah, I have amnesia. As you can see from my name being Lost, this is also an alias. I encountered the Dreamer after all.”

“That’s……”

Yes, we’re similar.

Ilina Crowley had been walking a path similar to mine.

The difference is that her trauma is clear.

Whether it’s easier to overcome something while knowing or while not knowing – I can’t guarantee which is easier.

“You see, people who have lost many things. They become afraid of losing anything else. Even if those memories are wretched and horrible, they become afraid of losing even those memories themselves.”

“……”

“I was like that. Even the moments when someone hated me were precious memories to me.”

All those miserable moments.

Because they were elements that made up who I am.

“But when I tried to grip all those things tightly, I found I couldn’t grasp anything else. So I let them go.”

For the future.

I discarded precious memories of the past.

Though old items hold memories, keeping them just because of that only makes them take up space as garbage.

Of course, what I lost were probably memories I would have wanted to keep for life.

But I gave them up.

“You can’t gain anything if you’re afraid of losing. You can’t grasp anything if you try not to let go of what’s in your hands at all. If you get greedy in that state, you’ll only end up dropping everything in your hands.”

My situation and Ilina Crowley’s are different. This is just how I experienced it and I can’t guarantee the same method will work for her.

But this story is an explanation of how a man who carried the same pain as her overcame it.

I didn’t look away but overcame it.

“Even royalty can’t have everything.”

She thought she wanted to become a great magician. Because that was her parents’ last words and her dream.

She desires to reach higher realms. Because that’s her desire for improvement.

She fears fire. So she tries to change her attribute.

It’s greed.

“Princess Ilina. Among those three things, which do you think you should discard?”

“……”

If she wants to become a great magician, she can stay stagnant as she is now.

If she desires higher realms, she must overcome her trauma regarding fire.

If she ultimately wants to look away from her trauma regarding fire, she can give up pursuing higher realms.

“You know too, priest?”

“Yes.”

“Though I understand it in my head, I can’t do anything about my heart.”

“That’s right. That’s why we worry.”

That’s what makes us human – worrying, making choices, and being left with regrets.

“Nothing has improved.”

“My, seems I fell short of earning my meal.”

“Perhaps. So I’ll come for counseling again. How long do you plan to stay in Arcanum?”

“Until the princess finds her answer.”

“Oh, um….. Ahem!”

Ilina Crowley’s expression becomes peculiar. It’s an expression I’ve never seen before.

“T-then I’ll come again next time, so please counsel me then too, Lost.”

“Yes, Princess Ilina.”

Ilina Crowley rose from her seat hurriedly with a reddened face.

I saw her off while remaining seated.

The start is good. I just need to interact with her like this and help her overcome her trauma.

Repayment for her who uniquely offered help when all of Arcanum’s scholars turned their backs on humanity.

Just as she was about to open the inn’s door and step outside like that.

Just as the connection between her and me was about to properly begin.

Whoosh!

“What……”

The inn was engulfed in flames.